Listening During a Pandemic – The New York Times
The trouble is that listening is a skill few diligently practice even in the best of times, and it can really fall by the wayside during periods of uncertainty, hardship and stress.
People aren’t devices where you can just press “play” and they will share their innermost thoughts and feelings with you. Intimacy is earned through patience, sensitivity and meeting people where they are.
It was about how he was experiencing life.” These days, she said she looks forward to her daily “quarantine call” with her dad, who now lives in Florida.
It wasn’t transactional. It was about how he was experiencing life.” These days, she said she looks forward to her daily “quarantine call” with her dad, who now lives in Florida.
…employing a tactic known as “third things.” The term was coined by the Quaker educator and author Parker Palmer and refers to things external to the two people talking, which can serve as springboards for connection.
Start out by talking about something the other person likes, or maybe doesn’t like, and finding out why that is. It could be music, art, books, films, food, favorite childhood toys or even other people. The point is to explore one another’s affinities, attitudes, beliefs and opinions — but never argue about them. As the Polish-born social psychologist Robert Zajonc wrote, “::We are never wrong about what we like or dislike.”::
Careful listening requires focus and effort. You can only keep at it for only so long. So it’s important to be alert to the other person’s, and your own, willingness to continue. If you’re unsure, just ask: “Had enough?” or “Shall we pick this up later?”
Perhaps as illuminating as the use of third things is listening to how people respond to expansive hypotheticals such as “If you could time travel, where would you go?” or “If you could live to be 100 and you could retain either the brain or body of a 25-year-old, which would you chose?” Such imaginative flights can be a welcome escape when feeling stifled and hemmed in at home. People’s answers and their reasoning may surprise you, even when they are people you think you know well.
Graham Bodie, a professor of integrated marketing and communication at the University of Mississippi in Oxford, has studied listening for almost 20 years, and his data suggests listeners’ responses are emotionally attuned to what speakers say less than 5 percent of the time.
Anyone who has shared something personal and received a thoughtless or uncomprehending response knows how it makes your soul want to crawl back in its hiding place.