Some notes from the following article on world-class communication ideas:
In his experience, such problems often get out of hand when we apply too much pressure at precisely the wrong time. Think of a car going uphill: the more you upshift, the more the road resists you, you lose hold, the car slows down and sputters.“But downshift”, says Dr. Goulston, “and you get control. It’s like pulling the road to meet you.”
In short, we upshift. And the other person responds with even more resistance, lashing out, becoming defensive, shutting us out.
When you shift your focus down to the root cause, to the raw emotion, you create traction that pulls the other person towards you. And that’s when you can get through to them.
There’s the outer layer — the neocortex, which we usually think of as our brain. It’s the most recent, most evolved part that controls our higher-order functions, all that intellectual brilliance and impeccable manners we like to show to the world. But there are two other, much older parts wrapped around each other below the neocortex: the reptilian, or lizard brain which triggers our survival instincts and fear responses; and the mammalian brain, our emotional center, the seat of all feelings and moods, and also memory.
This means that if you are talking to someone and this person is in the grip of a powerful emotion, they literally cannot process your message. They are not thinking, they are acting on raw emotion and base impulses.
The key, counterintuitively, is show that you empathize by acknowledging their negative emotions.
Empathy doesn’t mean that you approve of their behavior. It only means that you can put yourself in their shoes and understand where their anger or fear or frustration is coming from. Then you mirror it back to them so they feel “felt”.
For example, you can follow up with: And I’ll bet you’re hesitant to tell me straight out that you can’t get it done, isn’t that also true?